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He Said, She Said
"Men are the new women"
By Robert Tussey & Judith A. Habert Photo by Lisa K. Miller
Are men really from Mars and Women from Venus, as author Dr. John Gray states in his bestselling book? Do men and women really see things that differently? If given the same question could their answers re- ally be so different? At San Diego Woman we wanted to explore the differences be- tween "them" and "us". Read this month's installment and find out how the sexes differ when it comes to communicating with each other. What topics would you like to see us duke it out over in upcoming issues? No topic is off limits, so write me at editor@sandiegowoman.com. I can't wait to hear from you!
He Said...
The old maxim, men are visual and women are emotional, seems to be on the way out – mostly.
I recently heard a new phrase: Men are the new women. By extension that seems to mean that women are getting tougher and men are getting...softer. If that's the case then why do you women still get upset when we look at, well, you? The word 'cleavage' has new meaning today and if you're go- ing to put it out there you must expect we're gonna look! But it's not just the cleavage, truthfully, it's the whole package. Women of all ages are dressing sexier than ever and I can tell you we have noticed.
Oh, I know, the whistles and catcalls and 'hey baby' stuff has always annoyed you – in public. And a lot of that is inap- propriate. Let's just deal with the day to day show you put on. We like it and we like to look. Why on earth you get upset when you parade around with most of your breasts in plain view is beyond explanation. Yeah, yeah, I know it's just for your husband, boyfriend, partner, yadda yadda. BS. Not when you are in public. We will look (gawking and drooling are wrong, we get that) and you need to adjust.
The last ten years have seen so many women portrayed as the aggressors with comments about our anatomies: Nice butt, nice package. I could go on. Do WE mind? Not a bit. MEN ARE VISUAL. We accept that you are too, but you can't have it both ways!
Quite simply, if you don't want the attention, don't dress like you do (and that is the point, you do). I was in the mall recently and a twenty- something young lady with a two year old child had exposed enough cleavage that even the women were looking. AND, she had a (clearly visible) tattoo. I looked. You have seen my picture; I am middle aged and grey. And boy, did I get the ugly stare from her. I just smiled and walked on, but the damage was done. Salt on the tail. Just for a two second look I was damned for viewing. Her husband simply smiled and shrugged his shoulders. He knew.
The idea here is that how you dress will be noticed. YOU make the choices, deal with the consequences. I do not condone men getting verbal and aggressive. Not right. But to be condemned for merely looking, sans the catcalls and ogling, no, won't fly. A friend of mine recently said, "It's gravi- tational, the pull of larger planets."
An article recently published on older women dating younger men in this magazine brought forward a truth about some- thing that happens every day. I say, go for it. It's not a new concept. Again, you can't have it both ways. To date young- er men you have to put yourselves in positions to be noticed and (often) be the aggressor. You have to dress for success. Older men have always been the target of ridicule for the younger lady syndrome. Time to stop. New world order. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
You dress well and show the pride in your bodies – we will look. The reverse is also true. Look. Have a ball. But leave your double standard at home.
She Said...
Yes we do like to show off our attributes. Should we apologize for it? No, I think not. Since I am certain that you like that we want to show it off. However, there is
a difference between men who look and men who ogle. Cat calls aside, we like being noticed. And yes, you are right; if we didn't want you to look we wouldn't dress as we do. I recently viewed a Dave Chapelle stand up routine which made a point that I find hard to dispute. He mentions a girl walking into a bar with a dress so short that nothing was left to the imagination and a push up bra so prominent that her boobs were poking out of her turtle- neck. He made a somewhat rude comment about what he would like to do to her. She turned around and told him in no uncertain terms to get lost. He claimed it was false advertising. He said it would be no different than if he was standing at the corner in a police officer's uniform and suddenly someone came to him for assistance and he said...no I'm not really a cop...I just look like one. So he says if you're not a cop don't dress like one and if you're not a slut don't dress like one either.
Maybe if men could take the time to notice us for us and not for what is popping out of our turtlenecks we wouldn't be forced to dress provocatively. Put us in a local venue sitting at the bar, hoping to meet Mr. Right, and one small problem can occur: a little thing called "competition." Women can be brutal. Yes, I said it. When a bunch of single women head out for a night on the town and they know that there will be a bunch of other single women
all vying for the attention of the few acceptable men who wouldn't embarrass us in front of our friends and family, we have to pull out all the stops. Lower the neckline and raise the hemline and we can finally get you to say hello to us. So maybe you might just find out that behind the push up bra and Spanx is a woman with a brain. Yes – a Brain. Not just breasts...We don't actually mind you looking, we would just like to have you listen once in a while. I suppose what most women don't get is that not only is the cute guy at the bar with the nice butt gonna look, but so is the elderly janitor sitting in the corner, or the friend of our father who we run into on our way to the latest trendy spot. So can we control who looks? No, but it doesn't mean we have to like it. There are times and places for the skimpy outfits, perhaps a trip to the mall with our two-year old isn't it. But, then you do know that Mr. Right might just be cruising through the mall at the exact same time we are. If we were frumpy Mr. Right might walk right past us, but not if the cleavage was low and the hemline was high. So do you really want to play the odds? Oh, and the younger man thing...Yes who wouldn't be flattered to have a younger man interested
in us? And if that is the fish we are looking to attract we are forced to use the necessary bait. Does that make us evil? I think not. Men use what they think they have to attract younger women...enter the mid life crisis cars and the Rolex watches, and let's not forget the Toupees - which make us all giggle just a little. Men think it is mon- ey that attracts younger women, and maybe it is, women know it is breasts that attract not only the young men but any man with a heartbeat. So you use your weapons and we will use ours.
Ten Tips For Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. Studies show that people with healthy relationships really do have more happiness and less stress. There are basic ways to make relationships healthy, even though each one is different…parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, professors, roommates, and classmates. Here are Ten Tips for Healthy Relationships!
1. Keep expectations realistic. No one can be everything we might want him or her to be. Sometimes people disappoint us. It’s not all-or-nothing, though. Healthy relationships mean accepting people as they are and not trying to change them!
2. Talk with each other. It can’t be said enough: communication is essential in healthy relationships! It means—
- Take the time. Really be there.
- Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you’re trying to listen. Don’t interrupt.
- Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words.
- Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. Show your interest. Open the communication door.
- Share information. Studies show that sharing information especially helps relationships begin. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don’t overwhelm others with too much too soon.
3. Be flexible. Most of us try to keep people and situations just the way we like them to be. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, even sad or angry, when people or things change and we’re not ready for it. Healthy relationships mean change and growth are allowed!
4. Take care of you. You probably hope those around you like you so you may try to please them. Don’t forget to please yourself. Healthy relationships are mutual!
5. Be dependable. If you make plans with someone, follow through. If you have an assignment deadline, meet it. If you take on a responsibility, complete it. Healthy relationships are trustworthy!
6. Fight fair. Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn’t have to mean you don’t like each other! When you have a problem:
- Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don’t have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something that is bothering me?" Healthy relationships are based on respect and have room for both.
- Don’t criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don’t open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings. Healthy relationships don’t blame.
- Don’t assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves. Healthy relationships recognize each person’s right to explain themselves.
- Stay with the topic. Don’t use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you. Healthy relationships don’t use ammunition from the past to fuel the present.
- Say, "I’m sorry" when you’re wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again. Healthy relationships can admit mistakes.
- Don’t assume things. When we feel close to someone it’s easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong! Healthy relationships check things out.
- Ask for help if you need it. Talk with someone who can help you find resolution—like your RA, a counselor, a teacher, a minister or even parents. Check campus resources like Counseling Services at 532-6927. Healthy relationships aren’t afraid to ask for help.
- There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things. Healthy relationships don’t demand conformity or perfect agreement.
- Don’t hold grudges. You don’t have to accept anything and everything, but don’t hold grudges—they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get. Healthy relationships don’t hold on to past hurts and misunderstandings.
- The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don’t last. Healthy relationships are between winners who seek answers to problems together.
- You can leave a relationship. You can choose to move out of a relationship. Studies tell us that loyalty is very important in good relationships, but healthy relationships are NOW, not some hoped-for future development.
7. Show your warmth. Studies tell us warmth is highly valued by most people in their relationships. Healthy relationships show emotional warmth!
8. Keep your life balanced. Other people help make our lives satisfying but they can’t create that satisfaction for us. Only you can fill your life. Don’t overload on activities, but do use your time at college to try new things—clubs, volunteering, lectures, projects. You’ll have more opportunities to meet people and more to share with them. Healthy relationships aren’t dependent!
9. It’s a process. Sometimes it looks like everyone else on campus is confident and connected. Actually, most people feel just like you feel, wondering how to fit in and have good relationships. It takes time to meet people and get to know them…so, make "small talk"…respond to others…smile…keep trying. Healthy relationships can be learned and practiced and keep getting better!
10. Be yourself! It’s much easier and much more fun to be you than to pretend to be something or someone else. Sooner or later, it catches up anyway. Healthy relationships are made of real people, not images!