"Men are the new women"

By Robert Tussey & Judith A. Habert Photo by Lisa K. Miller

Are men really from Mars and Women from Venus, as author Dr. John Gray states in his bestselling book? Do men and women really see things that differently? If given the same question could their answers re- ally be so different? At San Diego Woman we wanted to explore the differences be- tween "them" and "us". Read this month's installment and find out how the sexes differ when it comes to communicating with each other. What topics would you like to see us duke it out over in upcoming issues? No topic is off limits, so write me at editor@sandiegowoman.com. I can't wait to hear from you!

He Said...

The old maxim, men are visual and women are emotional, seems to be on the way out – mostly.

I recently heard a new phrase: Men are the new women. By extension that seems to mean that women are getting tougher and men are getting...softer. If that's the case then why do you women still get upset when we look at, well, you? The word 'cleavage' has new meaning today and if you're go- ing to put it out there you must expect we're gonna look! But it's not just the cleavage, truthfully, it's the whole package. Women of all ages are dressing sexier than ever and I can tell you we have noticed.

Oh, I know, the whistles and catcalls and 'hey baby' stuff has always annoyed you – in public. And a lot of that is inap- propriate. Let's just deal with the day to day show you put on. We like it and we like to look. Why on earth you get upset when you parade around with most of your breasts in plain view is beyond explanation. Yeah, yeah, I know it's just for your husband, boyfriend, partner, yadda yadda. BS. Not when you are in public. We will look (gawking and drooling are wrong, we get that) and you need to adjust.

The last ten years have seen so many women portrayed as the aggressors with comments about our anatomies: Nice butt, nice package. I could go on. Do WE mind? Not a bit. MEN ARE VISUAL. We accept that you are too, but you can't have it both ways!

Quite simply, if you don't want the attention, don't dress like you do (and that is the point, you do). I was in the mall recently and a twenty- something young lady with a two year old child had exposed enough cleavage that even the women were looking. AND, she had a (clearly visible) tattoo. I looked. You have seen my picture; I am middle aged and grey. And boy, did I get the ugly stare from her. I just smiled and walked on, but the damage was done. Salt on the tail. Just for a two second look I was damned for viewing. Her husband simply smiled and shrugged his shoulders. He knew.

The idea here is that how you dress will be noticed. YOU make the choices, deal with the consequences. I do not condone men getting verbal and aggressive. Not right. But to be condemned for merely looking, sans the catcalls and ogling, no, won't fly. A friend of mine recently said, "It's gravi- tational, the pull of larger planets."

An article recently published on older women dating younger men in this magazine brought forward a truth about some- thing that happens every day. I say, go for it. It's not a new concept. Again, you can't have it both ways. To date young- er men you have to put yourselves in positions to be noticed and (often) be the aggressor. You have to dress for success. Older men have always been the target of ridicule for the younger lady syndrome. Time to stop. New world order. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

You dress well and show the pride in your bodies – we will look. The reverse is also true. Look. Have a ball. But leave your double standard at home.

She Said...

Yes we do like to show off our attributes. Should we apologize for it? No, I think not. Since I am certain that you like that we want to show it off. However, there is

a difference between men who look and men who ogle. Cat calls aside, we like being noticed. And yes, you are right; if we didn't want you to look we wouldn't dress as we do. I recently viewed a Dave Chapelle stand up routine which made a point that I find hard to dispute. He mentions a girl walking into a bar with a dress so short that nothing was left to the imagination and a push up bra so prominent that her boobs were poking out of her turtle- neck. He made a somewhat rude comment about what he would like to do to her. She turned around and told him in no uncertain terms to get lost. He claimed it was false advertising. He said it would be no different than if he was standing at the corner in a police officer's uniform and suddenly someone came to him for assistance and he said...no I'm not really a cop...I just look like one. So he says if you're not a cop don't dress like one and if you're not a slut don't dress like one either.

Maybe if men could take the time to notice us for us and not for what is popping out of our turtlenecks we wouldn't be forced to dress provocatively. Put us in a local venue sitting at the bar, hoping to meet Mr. Right, and one small problem can occur: a little thing called "competition." Women can be brutal. Yes, I said it. When a bunch of single women head out for a night on the town and they know that there will be a bunch of other single women

all vying for the attention of the few acceptable men who wouldn't embarrass us in front of our friends and family, we have to pull out all the stops. Lower the neckline and raise the hemline and we can finally get you to say hello to us. So maybe you might just find out that behind the push up bra and Spanx is a woman with a brain. Yes – a Brain. Not just breasts...We don't actually mind you looking, we would just like to have you listen once in a while. I suppose what most women don't get is that not only is the cute guy at the bar with the nice butt gonna look, but so is the elderly janitor sitting in the corner, or the friend of our father who we run into on our way to the latest trendy spot. So can we control who looks? No, but it doesn't mean we have to like it. There are times and places for the skimpy outfits, perhaps a trip to the mall with our two-year old isn't it. But, then you do know that Mr. Right might just be cruising through the mall at the exact same time we are. If we were frumpy Mr. Right might walk right past us, but not if the cleavage was low and the hemline was high. So do you really want to play the odds? Oh, and the younger man thing...Yes who wouldn't be flattered to have a younger man interested

in us? And if that is the fish we are looking to attract we are forced to use the necessary bait. Does that make us evil? I think not. Men use what they think they have to attract younger women...enter the mid life crisis cars and the Rolex watches, and let's not forget the Toupees - which make us all giggle just a little. Men think it is mon- ey that attracts younger women, and maybe it is, women know it is breasts that attract not only the young men but any man with a heartbeat. So you use your weapons and we will use ours.

Female Bonds Have Both Psychological & Physical Health Benefits

Women thrive both emotionally and physically from close friendships with other women. These bonds are important for female wellbeing and livelihood.

In life, it's important for women to have close friendships with other women. Physiologically, females have a greater need to emotionally bond with others. Whereas many men get by with loose, casual relationships with other men, women tend to look for nurturing, emotionally-fulfilling bonds with other women.

This need starts in childhood and increases during adolescence, when teenage girls find support from their female peers. Often, less emphasis is placed on the mother-daughter bond as teens venture out and test the waters of young adulthood. But once reaching full adulthood, many young women re-establish the mother-daughter bond as one of their primary female relationships.

The Psychological Benefits of Female Friendships

Women seek each other for emotional support and identity. Together they can create healthy communications and gratifying exchanges of ideas and feelings. Add more women into the mix and an entire emotional support system has emerged.

Psychologically, women gain self-esteem, validation, and happiness from such exchanges. Female friends can boost each other's self-worth through compliments, honest opinions, and suggestions. In times of trouble, females seek one another out to know that their feelings or experiences are normal and healthy. From these interactions, female friends bring away an increased sense of happiness and fulfillment.

The Physical Benefits of Female Friendships

• The psychological benefits of friendship may be more apparent, since its positive impact can be immediately felt. At the same time, there is a physical benefit to forming such close female bonds.
• Physical gains can be both internal and external. With happiness and validation comes a lowering of heart rate, blood pressure, stress, and the tendency to overeat. The immune and digestive systems work more efficiently.
• When women form supportive bonds, they often plan group activities or form exercise groups. This can improve the individual women's external aspects, such as weight, complexion, flexibility, and tone.

Situations that Lend Themselves to Positive Female Bonding

Family ties: Mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, and cousins can form tight female bonds. These are often the primary relationships in women's lives.
Childhood/college friendships: These relationships can end up being some of the longest-lasting female bonds of a woman's life.
Mommy groups/ other mothers: Such friendships arise out of a common need--- to support and be supported as a mother.
Coworkers: Other female coworkers, depending on the type of industry, can be supportive of career goals and understanding of office tension.
Women with common interests: Joining activities such as tai chi, yoga, a cooking class, a book discussion group, or a volunteer organization can promote friendships out of common goals and the nurturing of these goals.

A family can be compared to a four-wheeled cart where each of the wheels is free-wheeling. As long as all four wheels face front, the cart rolls along nice and smoothly. But if one of the wheels turns itself crossways to the other three, we have a problem. We have a family in conflict. That family is in need of some basic family conflict resolution skills.

The first thing to be done is to identify the problem. You can’t solve a problem unless you really know what it is. It involves talking to one another and listening to one another. Why does he come home from work angry all the time? What is she facing at work? What does he need at home? Why is she nagging all the time? Why is she unhappy? Take a piece of paper and write down all the reasons. It could be money problems. It could be fatigue. It could be the neighbors, in-laws, aging parents, illness, or the kids. What do these problems make you feel like? Write down un-met needs and wants. The process of writing helps diffuse anger and frustration. It helps a person to think rationally.

After both partners have identified the problem, the second step is to practice the art of mirror listening. It is sometimes called reflective listening. This is a valuable skill to acquire. When your partner shares his/her thoughts with you, either verbally or reading from a list, before you counter back with what’s on your mind say something like this. “So when _______ happens, it makes you feel like ______. (Add your own sentence to fill in the blanks.) Am I understanding you correctly?” You are reflecting back to make sure you have understood. Your spouse can then agree or add more explanations. Without understanding the other person’s point of view, no negotiation is possible.

After both partners have identified what is bothering them, it is time to move on to next step of family conflict resolution. It is time to make a plan. How are we jointly going to master this problem? What are our goals for a good outcome? If we can’t reach our goals immediately what are the in-between steps? Both partners are now focused on solving a problem, not battling each other. There will inevitably be give and take.

If it is a money problem, budgeting and spending habits need to be addressed. There are organizations and institutions out there to offer help if needed. If the problem is with the kids, particularly with younger kids, one of the best things to do is to have an established routine and stick with it. That includes bedtimes, mealtimes, playtimes. Children really want parameters of expected behavior. They want to know what is expected of them. It helps them to grow and mature. For very young children it may sometimes be necessary to take their hand and with their hand “help” them to pick up their toys.

After the problem has been identified, and a plan to solve it has been created, the next logical step in family conflict resolution is to work the plan. Just talking solves nothing. It may involve making a contract with one another, on paper or with a handshake. I will faithfully do this, while the partner will faithfully do that.
Older children respond well to the contract approach.

Your family cart, with all the members in it, is traveling in unison once again.

"Six Ways To Balance Work And Family Life

If you are like most women, you have a company to run or a job to do, children to raise, a home to keep together, and a host of other commitments to husband, extended family and community organizations.  Considering that there are only 24 hours in a day, only so much is going to get done.  Even less will get done on those days that the kids are sick or a client has a crisis.  Besides the dream of cloning ourselves, what else is available so make the day run a little smoother and (hopefully) leave some time for each important part of your life?  After listening to moms and experts, here is our list of the Top Six Essential Items Necessary for Work and Family Life Balance.

1. Start with a plan. Imagine hiking through the woods with no trail or map.  Most of your time is spent going in circles with little hope of finding your way back out.  Focus on your family plan first and then on your business plan.  We suggest the family plan first because your ability to keep everything going will depend on a solid foundation at home and the boost you will get from feeling that what you are doing is worthwhile.

Answer these questions for yourself:  Why am I working? How can I make the most of my time with my spouse and children? What type of lifestyle do I really want and will this lifestyle make me and my family happy?  When I’m 80 years old, how do I want to remember my life?

2. Build a team. You’ll need a team at home and a team at work.  Lucky you! You are probably the coach of both teams.  Use your plan and let everyone know on both teams what the plan is and how it will run.  Let them know what part they have in the plan.  Ask them about their plan and what role you play.  Talk about what you will do when you reach certain milestones (celebrations!) and what you will do when the going gets bad.  Practice your plan with your teams on a regular basis so everyone still knows what the plan is and can contribute the most to the effectiveness of the team.

3. Implement a schedule. Humans are creatures of habit and we tend to love schedules.  Effective families have a number of traits, and a consistent schedule is usually one of them.  Chaos is not effective and does not promote balance.  Use visual reminders at home so that the family knows about the schedule.  Laminated poster board works well so that everyone sees what everyone else is doing and what the family events will be.  Too many family events such as sports, community activities, or chores? Consider limiting activities or outsourcing or delegating chores to others.

Use the concept of Family Meetings (weekly for most work well) so that everyone can check-in.  In some families they have dinner together every night of the week.  The family dinner is a very important time for everyone to reconnect and express themselves.

4. Keep work at work. This is a really difficult one for most of us.  Some women have home offices and it is so easy to work at night and on weekends.  There are times when we still do work on the weekends, but we should try to pick times that your children are not going to want time with Mommy.  We call weekends “Family Days” for that very reason to remind us that family is the most important thing on the weekends.  If you are still working 60 hour weeks after your business is a couple of years old, make sure that those hours fit your plan from item #1.  Burnout is around the corner if your situation does not match your plan and your team is clamoring for your missing attention.

5. Keep home at home. If you worry about your home situation while you are working, your productivity will be significantly reduced.  What can you do to help with the stresses at home?  Refer back to your teams.  Expand the size of the teams so that you have more flexibility to do what you need to.  Enlist the help of a relative, spouse, ex-husband, neighbor, or trusted friend to cover those little emergencies that come up with a home and children.
Another option is to hire an assistant at the office that can cover for you there while to handle the little emergencies.  Have back-up plans for when the sitter is sick or the daycare center won’t take your child because they have a fever.

6. Use a time management system. So far you have some plans, teams, schedules, and the separation of home and work.  Now let’s look at how you can keep track of it all.  If you don’t use a planner (paper) or PDA (personal digital assistant) you should seriously consider using one.  Use a planner to keep your schedule, phone numbers, codes, notes, and pictures.  The planner zips up so nothing falls out.  The amount of time you can save with this low-tech device is remarkable.
Communication

Most arguments and misunderstandings come from a lack of communication. Knowing how to communicate better is a helpful tool when interacting with spouse or significant other.

Things You'll Need:

• Open Mind
• Willingness to Change
• Patience
• Understanding
• An Ability to accept responsibility

1. Being a better communicator begins with the ability to listen. Be sure to hear what the other person is saying without responding or reacting in a way that suggests otherwise. Listening to a person shows them that you care enough to appreciate their perspective and ideas about anything.
2. As the other person is done expressing themselves, take a moment to think about what they said, not what you heard, and try to reiterate what you believe was said. Begin with something like; "What I heard you say was..., or, What I understood was... Once understanding is confirmed (maybe it will take more than once)take a moment to consider the truth of what they have said, and be willing to accept that they may be right.
3. Look at things from the perspective of the other person first. Always keep in the front of your mind, the love and reason why you are together. Try to speak to one another from a place where that love and affection can be shared and demonstrated with each word. Accept responsibility for whatever role you may have played in a situation. Never interrupt and always allow for the other person to take moments to pause and continue. Make sure they have completed their thought before speaking.
4. Always make eye contact. Be receptive to what the other person may be feeling. A hand to the shoulder, nod of understanding, anything that may assist in showing that you are attentive, available and receptive.
5. Don't allow distractions to interrupt a conversation. Phone calls, television, etc. Be the first to make sure those distractions wont affect a time of communication. (Especially if a conversation is an emotionally charged one)
6. Repeat the above steps as necessary keeping in mind that no one likes to be blamed or accused, or belittled, so make every effort to listen, hear, and then speak form a place of love and concern for the relationship, knowing that through every interaction and conversation the relationship can grow and you can become closer because of it.